


The Question

by winkwonk



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: F/F, Internalized Homophobia, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 07:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3240638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winkwonk/pseuds/winkwonk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the midst of an alien war, a sexual identity crisis can almost make you feel normal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Question

I woke up suddenly, in a cold sweat. That wasn't so unusual. Ever since I became an Animorph and started fighting the Yeerks, nightmares were becoming a part of every day life. Sometimes they were just an extension of a particularly stressful morph. My subconscious would remember the sensation of being a helpless squirrel, tiny and surrounded by predators and unable to morph back.

Or worse. I'd dream that I'd been taken by the Yeerks, that one of them was taking over my body. Turning me into a Controller.

This dream was...a little different.

I switched on my lamp and stood up, kind of cradling my arms as I paced the room, trying to remember.

Jake!

Jake had come in through my bedroom window. I remembered he was dressed weird, his shirt open and billowing around him. Like a guy from one of those romance novels.

Now, awake, the thought was absurd enough that I had to fight back a giggle. But somehow in the dream, it made sense. I even liked it.

Anyway, Jake came in through my window, looking like, I don't know, the Wild Rogue from Passion Shores. The light of the full moon made him look all silvery and majestic. And he started kissing me.

Like I said, it was absurd. I knew if he ever found about this I would just die of embarrassment.

That's why I'm telling you.

I guess in a way it's a relief to know I can still be that embarrassed. That even with the ever-growing threat of the Yeerks enslaving and destroying our planet, I still get worried about normal girl things.

Except...

I'm not sure how "normal" the next part is.

The dream Jake was kissing me for a really long time, and it was one of the best feelings in the world. Better than being an osprey and riding the thermals. Almost better than the sheer playful joy of being a dolphin.

Then he pulled back.

I looked up into Jake's dark, serious eyes.

And Rachel was looking down at me.

\--

 _It doesn't mean anything_ , I told myself. _And it's not even that weird_. Rachel and Jake were cousins after all.

I breathed a sigh of relief. It all made sense now. It wasn't Rachel I was attracted to. It was just the parts of her that reminded me of Jake.

Rachel reminded me of Jake a lot.

They both seemed to have this inner glow. It went way beyond physical strength, although they both had plenty of that as well, athletes that they were. It was like they were projecting an impenetrable forcefield from within. Jake would hate the comparison, but they were like a King and a Queen. They wouldn't have been out of place in Zeus's court on Mount Olympus.

Reassured, I got a drink of water and climbed back into bed. As I drifted in and out of sleep, thoughts of Rachel filled my mind. Her hair tickled my neck as she leaned down...

\--

I'd completely forgotten about the dream until a few days later. Saturday. We were on top of that old bell tower, having just finished a reconnaissance mission. I finished demorphing first, and stood back as my friends returned their human forms.

Morphing either way is never pretty. It's horrifyingly gross, actually. Although the others have told me before that I have a knack for making it look slightly less creepy, I don't think anything about it can be considered remotely attractive.

And yet, it was right after Rachel finished demorphing, right after I'd seen her body as some sort of twisted abomination from hell, that I remembered the dream, and how attracted to her I'd been. They came rushing back, suddenly, vivid enough to be real.

To be fair, she was wearing her gymnastics leotard. And her blonde hair was flowing in the wind. And she always did look like she stepped off the cover of a magazine. Everybody knew she was the gorgeous one.

But everybody wasn't trying their hardest not to notice the way her morphing clothes clung to her hips.

I had to look away, and unfortunately, found myself staring face-to-face with the permanent scowl of a red-tailed hawk.

<You okay, Cassie?>

I could tell Tobias was speaking to me only, and for that I was grateful. I nodded, subtly enough that only he would notice.

\--

I'd like to say that the dreams haunted me. That I was so consumed by my strange attraction to Rachel that I forgot all about the Yeerks, if only in my dreams.

But this was not a romance novel. And that night, I tossed and turned. I saw myself being forced to kneel by the side of the Yeerk pool. I heard the screams.

Sometimes I forget these things weren't always a part of my life. I can go about my day and it's just another thing I have to deal with. Then I remember--I'll see other kids my age just hanging out, and it suddenly sinks in. It's disturbing that it isn't more disturbing.

At least I'm not alone. At least there are four others who are going through the same thing. And we can always lean on each other.

We were alone together after gym class.

My dream about the Yeerks had almost made me forget about the Rachel situation. But seeing Rachel in the locker room, sitting on the bench and stretching forward effortlessly while the steam from the showers rose around us, brought it all back.

She'd understand. She'd have to, right?

She was my best friend, after all.

"I have to tell you something."

My brain must have decided that blurting it out quickly would hurt less. Like ripping off a bandaid. Before I knew it, I was telling her every detail. The dreams. How lately, I couldn't stop looking at her every chance I got.

Finally, I opened my eyes (when had I closed them?) and looked at her. She was smiling at me, kind of cocky, but not unkindly.

"You had sexy dreams about me?"

I winced. I couldn't help it.

"Yeah. I guess I did. "

She sat up straight, and seemed to be thinking this over. Finally she just nodded. Like she was expecting it. Or maybe it was more like she approved.

"What was I wearing?"

"Rachel, I've been through enough without you making fun of me--"

She looked concerned then.

"Making fun of you? Cassie, I would never make fun of you for anything, especially not something like this." Before I could stop her she had stood and was reaching out to me, but I took a small step backward and her arm fell to her side. "I mean it. It took a lot of courage for you to tell me that. And I promise it'll be our secret."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and nodded.

"So...?"

I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"You might have been wearing something...a little like the Xena costume?"

Her laughter echoed on the locker room walls.

"Oh man, I'm _definitely_ keeping this a secret. Marco would be insufferable. Even more than he is now."

I laughed and sat beside her. Her leg was brushing mine. It wasn't the first time our bodies touched like this, but for some reason it felt different now. I wanted to pull away, but at the same time, I didn't.

"You don't think this could be aliens, do you?" I asked. "I mean, not the Yeerks, but maybe something else. Something could be influencing me telepathtically--"

"Cassie."

I stopped babbling mid-sentence. My name sounded so wonderful on her lips.

"I don't think it's aliens." she said, "I think, maybe, just _maybe_...you might be a little gay."

_Gay._

The word echoed in my head. It was the very word I'd been actively avoiding ever since the dream. Maybe earlier than that.

"I don't think it's that." I said.

There was something in Rachel's eyes I didn't recognize, but I think she could tell I didn't want to push it any further. Finally she said, "Well, whatever it is, whenever you're ready to talk about it, you know I'm here for you."

She patted me on the shoulder. It was supposed to be reassuring. Instead, I felt more confused than ever.

But I had told her. And the world hadn't ended.

And it wouldn't. Not for a long time. Not if we had anything to say about it.

~Finis~

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> A few things:  
> \- I haven't read these books in ages and only recently started a re-read, hence the sort of vague timeline. We can say it takes place after book 4, since that's the last one I finished.  
> \- When I write fic for book fandoms I like to try to imitate the style of the books. And this was really fun!  
> \- A friend requested "A Marco POV fic where he is overcompensatingly heterosexual because he's really in love with Jake; a no homo fic." and I asked if I could do it with Cassie and Rachel instead. This started out as silliness and ended up a little bit personal. But still kind of silly.


End file.
